OXFORD - DAY 28

I hear that England is breaking records for rain fall in April.  Now that's saying something.  All I've got to say is, everything you've ever heard about London weather-  it's true!

I met with my advisor yesterday to discuss my tutorials.  I told him that my primary tutorial professor has been putting almost no effort in so far, and explained in detail certain situations that have been pretty disappointing.  We decided that, as of today, my secondary tutorial (The Buddhist tutorial) will be my primary tutorial, and I will pick up a secondary tutorial working with the Mindfulness-Based Center for Cognitive Therapy in Oxford.  

Credit Breakdown is as follows:

Buddhism:   8 credits (8 essays)

Cognitive Thearpy:  3 credits (3 essays)

Film History:  1 credit (1 essay, already completed.)

So without even trying to, Buddhism has just become a pretty big part of the rest of this experience.  I'm toying with the idea of adding a religious studies minor, since I'll have enough credits now.

I'm surprised by how much I agree with Buddhist ideals.  So far, the more I learn about it, the more I want to make it a part of my life.  Which is a difficult thing to realize, because let's face it, Western culture is not incredibly conducive to a Buddhist mindset.  I think part of me was almost hoping that in learning more about Buddhism, I'd find some sort of fatal flaw that would kill my interest in it and I could resume my cynical attitude towards religion in general.  

That hasn't happened though.  I'm still pretty apprehensive though.  It's not like I'd just declare myself a Buddhist and practice one hour one day out of the week.  That's what I love about Buddhism-  it's a mindset, a way of thinking and a way to see the world.  I'd have to live it.  Ultimately, I would probably try and adopt a career that has a Buddhist "essence," such as a meditation instructor or a cognitive therapist, which is so outside the realm of "normal careers" that people naturally tend to gel with.  But I can't spend my life teaching people how to look at a film.  It doesn't matter that it might pay well or that I'd be good at it.  Being a film studies professor would be so fruitless.  Who would I be helping?  How would that make the world better? 

I asked myself today how badly I want this to be a part of my life but the scary thing is I don't think it's a matter of want.  I think I just have to do it.  God, I'm talking about Buddhism as if it's some Buddhist on/off switch where I'm all of a sudden going to don a huge orange robe, shave my head, and sit cross-legged all day.  No, what I'm talking about is becoming a Buddhist in a western sense.  Which, let's face it, I've been slowly working towards for about a year and a half now anyway.  So that's that I guess.  I wish I would've known all this 4 years ago.